Slug

My friend Damian Axford posted this picture on his facebook page. I filled in the backstory...


Yawn.

Wake up at 5am needing toilet.

Wife missing.

Wander down hall.

Cold.

Naked....

Bang head on toilet door.

Toilet door opening failure.

Found wife.

Toilet occupied.

Wander downstairs in gloom.

Cutains open.

Naked.

Leave light off.

Stand barefoot on lego. Curse firstborn.

Become aware of presence in room.

Something on wall near lamp.

Turn back to switch on light.

Stand on lego. Curse Firstborn.

Switch on light. Blinded.

Suddenly aware of brightly illuminated naked self by uncurtained window.

Switch off light. Blinded.

Go to close curtains.

Step barefoot on lego. Curse firstborn.

Close curtains.

Step gingerly past lego in dark.

Switch on light.

Presence clearly identified.

Huge slug near wall lamp.

Leaving trail of slime on paint.

Paint that was applied only three weeks ago.

Yuk.

What could be more revolting?

How to remove?

Cannot bring self to touch slug.

Scratch head.

Try to shoo slug back down wall.

Slug too stupid to understand "shooing down wall" performed by naked man flailing arms below.

Go to kitchen to fetch stool

Step barefoot on Lego. Curse firstborn.

Return with stool.

Flail arms in a "go back down motion" from improved vantage point.

Flailing fails.

Slug must be ignorant of universal convention of arm flailing.

Slug Glistens.

Slug deposits more slime on wall.

What to do?

Scratch head.

Reach for universal font of knowledge.

Google on iphone.

Naked.

iphone not in pocket.

Or rather iphone is in pocket.

Pocket not being worn.

Pocket is upstairs.

Too far.

Think.

Remember slug advice from grandfather.

One word.

Salt.

Go to kitchen for salt cellar.

Step barefoot on lego. Curse firstborn.

Find little Irish pixie salt cellar in kitchen.

Return to stool, stepping careful round lego.

Try to shake salt onto slug.

Fail.

Salt damp.

Not pouring.

Bang salt cellar on wall.

Nothing.

Bang salt cellar harder on wall.

Oops.

Ear broken off Irish pixie salt cellar.

Wife's momento of trip to Dublin.

Ear-shaped gouge in freshly painted wall..

Salt still firmy encased in pixie.

Slug contracted slightly in response to vibration.

Turn Pixie over.

Pixie is fitted with plastic but-plug.

Try to remove Pixie but-plug from Pixie's sphincter with fingers.

Fail.

Try to remove Pixie but-plug from Pixie's sphincter with teeth.

Success.

Mouth full of salt.

Jump off stool to run to kitchen to drink water.

Land barefoot on lego. Curse firstborn.

Congratulate self on not spilling salt.

Drink water.

Return to stool with Pixie, stepping round lego.

Empty entire Pixie-worth of salt into hand and throw at slug.

Slug fizzes.

Turns to Goo.

Large slug on wall turns into large mess of goo on pristine wall paint.

Perhaps not an improvement.

What could be more revolting?

Scratch head.

Try to recall grandfather's advice for dealing with slug goo.

Nothing.

Grandfather's slugs were in garden, not on pristine wall, near lamp.

Formulate own plan for dealing with Slug goo.

Return to Kitchen for knife.

Try to scrape slug off wall.

Tricky.

Slug goo is sticky and elastic.

Stretch as far as I can on stool.

Can't stretch far enough.

Get off stool Kick stool to middle of room.

Climb back on stool and stretch slug goo.

Slug goo refuses to release grip on paint. Slug now 2 meters long.

Impressed by Slug goo strength, elasticity and stickyness.

Wonder If NASA considered using slug goo for sticking tiles to space shuttle.

Wonder which is the most impressive feature of slug goo.

Is it the strenght?

Is it the elasticity?

Discover that it is not the stickyness.

As the ultimate coefficient of stickyness is surpassed coefficient of elasticity, the goo disengages from the pristine wall.

Leaving a final patch of slime on the perfect paintwork.

Freed from wall, the elasticity kicked in.

Time slowed down.

Watched the goo accelerate towards self.

Helpess, watched as the goo distributed it'sself down the length of my naked frame.

Fall off stool.

Bag head on floor.

Knocked unconcious.

Sleep peacefuly on hard floor.

With lego sticking in back.

And Slug goo contracting, pulling on body hair.

Andrew Beattie. 19 March 2010. 5am.